i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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