Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
