I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
