We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
