it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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