I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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