I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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