I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
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No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
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Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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