I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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