I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
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I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
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last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Let's get the cat blown out
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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