I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
