I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
