the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
