So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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