Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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