I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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