you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
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We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
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He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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