my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I want to be your penis for a week.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
