My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
