"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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