Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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