i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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