Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
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