you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
