I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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