Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
