So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
