Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The Olympian is in my bed
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
