This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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