i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
