i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
