She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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