i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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