Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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