Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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