If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
