I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
