you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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