what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize