Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
