oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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