Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
