I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
i will never coherently bang her
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Two words: blizzard sex
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.