Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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