I want to make a zoo with you.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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