i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
