You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
