The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
