remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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