I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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