***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
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