I just pynch a tree in the face
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
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