I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
We don't watch enough power rangers
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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